In the car: you were driving along a street covered with trees yesterday. It was a sunny afternoon and Lukas was talking non stop about how amazed he is by cockatiels. I was on the passenger seat shifting my gaze from Lukas to you. You would occasionally nod at him to let him know you were listening. From your reactions and gestures I could tell that was the first time you were hearing his story, but he had told you that countless of times, you just weren’t listening. While observing how you reacted to Luke’s stories, in my mind I was asking you how you missed all his endless stories about animals because you were too busy minding your own business. Your shoulders were slightly hunched while leaning a bit on the steering wheel probably because it was quite a long drive and you hadn’t slept the previous night. You’ve lost a lot of weight from being 200 lbs to almost half your previous weight. Seems like the good times with friends have taken their toll on you. You look much older than your age, I remember back in the days when everything was normal at home we both loved to eat, we would take the kids out to eat, take them to the zoo, buy them cheap toys, they were the simple things…you had a 9–5 job and I was a stay at home mom and wife. Life was so simple then. There were times when we literally had none but we carried on, then eventually life got a bit better. I still remember us buying some furniture from a friend who sold almost everything because he was hooked on gambling. Those moments felt like we were heading towards a comfortable life. We were happy weren’t we?
Then one day you left your regular work for no reason. You did not get fired, you left because you were not happy. You wanted to spend days and nights with your friends. I would wait for days for you to come home, and you would come home..only to get a few hours of sleep, recharge and be gone again for days. Drugs, gambling, women? You had literally chosen to forget about your family. You started missing occasions, you were unstoppable. That went on for years. I remember screaming at 2am to have woken up, seeing you had left again after promising that you would spend the night at home. The kids would ask when they would see you, I would take them to your friends’s house so they could see you for a few minutes. I was doing all the chasing and you were busy running. I knew that time you were having an affair. I need not mention all the things you did that made me feel so unwanted, so unloved and so ugly. I can’t count the times I told you I would leave.
The times I spent crying because you would often take the money meant for food or the bills, or when I needed you to take the kids to the doctor but you were too busy to do that, and when you got my car crashed by a stranger, those were the dark moments. I was so confused, felt uglier, unwanted, abandoned, disrespected. I started thinking, what if I left all these behind? Respect was no longer served on our table and I couldn’t recognize me anymore. I couldn’t recognize you anymore. I didn’t know self-care, or self-love. I had prayed for years for strength and courage to leave so I could take care of myself. One day I finally had the courage to leave the home we called our own. Looking back at how awful all those things made me feel, I now feel like I should have left earlier. But I have always been one who gives hundreds of chances. Sadly, I had run out of them.
It’s never easy leaving the home built by so much love, or turning one’s back on the 20 years spent together. We had hurdled all obstacles and fought against every person who tried to block our way, we fought for each other. You are definitely the kindest person I have ever known. I never thought that we would come to a point where I would be the only one fighting, and I just got tired. I am so tired.
As you got off the car and said goodbye to Lukas, I saw sadness in your eyes. I know the feeling of being scared of CHANGE. Change is scary. I felt exactly that when I left home. I can’t tell you enough that I have never felt so free my whole life. The inner peace that I am feeling now is indescribable. I am just so glad I took the chance when I had it. I know that not all people agree with the way I have handled all these but happiness from within starts by not giving a damn.
Driving back to the apartment and listening to Luke singing his favorite songs on the car radio, a bit of sadness took over me but I know that everything will be alright. Despite all these, I am thankful for the gift of strength and courage as it took me years to finally set myself free. Ours may not be the most ideal setup and it hurts like hell to see the kids wondering what’s going to happen but by God’s grace everything will fall into place. I myself don’t know what’s gonna happen but who does anyway? I just know I am happy, and I would never ever trade this for anything.
